Category: POSTS

Hard to let go when ya can’t think straight. Sometimes it feels like another lifetime, a different world, an unspoken dream. The mind does not always register the difference between time & space, because our heart holds onto the cords that bind our love for home. It’s the memories that keep reminding us of another place where we found security, rest & a buffered refuge from the storms of this life. So how do we let go of this longing desire, to fill this need? Our empty nest, this broken heart. It’s not just loss, this is death. We couldn’t move on completely until we accepted that. So we had a memorial service for our home, just the two of us. We each wrote a letter to our home, from the memories, love, heartache & loss. We prayed, we cried & we held each other as we tossed our letters into one of the only things that survived… our fire pit. We said our goodbyes as we watched the flames take the words from the page & the smoke filled the air with our prayers towards heaven. Finally, we felt a release. We were free to move on from those ties that held our hearts & constantly tortured our souls. It was time to rise out of the ashes & begin something new. It was time to mend & time to end, time to let go of those things I called heartstrings.

Our home’s founding landmark has finally fallen. She was once that one resilient tree that represented so much hope to our shattered world. But after 2 years of watching her oak green leaves fade, her broken limbs & brittle bark break, she had become a danger to our home. She was indeed the grandest of them all. Now, she had become just another “widow maker” tree. As I watched her slowly fall, I shed a tear & said a prayer. I was thankful to have had such a stoic reminder to never give up in the face of danger. Her tenacity to endure the heat of the fire, that stole our 1st home; gave her such grace & beauty for me to hope in a better tomorrow. She was a symbol to us, a beacon in the storm, a tower of strength, that shaded our weary souls. As I pass the fallen landmarks of our town, I’m also reminded of all the precious times I found hope, in a place I called home. It’s a bittersweet moment to watch this huge change unfold before us. But then I remember that pillar of hope that stood strong. Like a light house through the storm, at once I’m able to make peace with the past. I’m able to accept all those things that I know I cannot change. My “widow maker” landmark is now put to rest. In her place, we’ll plant another landmark tree for our home. A living legacy that brings honor, strength & dignity, to represent the town that we are proud of. Paradise Strong!!!

As I open my journal, pen in my hand, coffee cup in the other, I’m ready to conquer the day. It’s time! Time to start fighting back this deep sadness that keeps trying to steal my joy. As I put the pen to the paper, I’m holding back tears. I push through a flood of emotion, to let the ink tell my story. I’m searching for peace to calm this storm of despair. So much to tell, as my hand races to keep up with the thoughts in my head. The work has begun, a new page has been turned in a new chapter of my life. I’m ending this battle that has wearied & captured my soul. I’m leaving it here on these pages. I’ll no longer carry this burden, this weight. I’m tired & worn but I won’t lose this fight! I put on my armor, my sword in my hand. There is no defeat, there’s only an end. An end to this hopeless, pitiful sorrow & dismay. So I’m cutting the cord & here it shall lay, on this tear stained page, here it shall stay. “For everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to weep & a time to laugh. A time to grieve & a time to dance. A time to tear down & a time to build up. A time to love & a time to hate. A time for war & a time for peace.” I have won this battle today, put an end to this war! It is now time for Peace & time to restore.
Ecc. 3:1,4,7,8

Photography by: Cindy Lee Hoover “Sea Sunset”

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I have seen the deep despair & heavy sadness in the eyes of so many of you. I know that grieving sorrow that penetrates the very soul of our shattered lives. I feel it too. Peace seems like it has been stripped away when we see that the every evidence of our existence, has been lost, gone, taken from our precious lives. I know this too. But as I contemplate our demise, my heart is stirred, my spirit is lifted as I read this; “The thought of my suffering & homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss. Yet, I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies are new every morning.” I pray this gives you hope & peace today. Dare to step out in faith! You are not alone my friend, you are never alone.

Dreaming, thinking, waiting during sleepless nights, restless mornings & wasted days. I see the painted sunset as the bright lit moon appears in the darkened nite sky. Try to sit down, relax & turn on a movie, but I’m already watching one playing in my head! Anxious thoughts & stressful clutter fill my mind throughout the hazy day. Gotta focus, have much to do, but can’t move. Makin a list, checkin it twice, my energy has now been all but used up. Really! Try to sleep, so fatigued & tired, but I keep seeing sugar plums dancing in my head?! Wait… what?! Where did that come from? Trauma, drama, anxiety & stress, call it what ya want, it zaps the strength right out of the super men & women that we are. Gotta look at the beauty, not the ashes. See that precious lil’ fractured treasure? I found it delicately broken, laying on the burnt ground. Yet when I look at it pieced together again; I see hope… if only for a moment. That gift I was given by a stranger, gives me joy for this mourning & grief. Oh… that sweater my friend just gave me. This’s my garment of praise & thanksgiving for a new day. These are the things I must fix my thoughts on right now; that which is true, honorable & right. That which is lovely & admirable. I must think about things that are excellent & worthy of praise & thanksgiving. Because I can choose to rejoice in the things that are before me; family & friends, nature & music, love & all that is good in life. Yet what will sustain me when I ponder this thought, is less of what I can see & more of what I can’t. It’s in faith that I believe that God gives me strength; He carry’s me, holds me & brings me thru it. This is my assurance, my hope, the reality I know… that God has not finished in me, the work He began! Philippians 4:8

Painting by: Jim G Peppler

I am moved by how many of you have been concerned over our home, if we made it though the Camp Fire safely after losing our home to the Saddle Fire. I am grateful our home has made it thru this fire but we are devastated all over again for each one you & our hometown. We are heartbroken as much as you are. Sending some pics of our home during the Saddle Fire & 2 yrs later our new rebuilt home 2018.💔

Have you noticed? Nothing seems to make sense lately. The devastation is unbelievably overwhelming! This disaster has not only changed our life, but everyone else’s too. All those feelings of uneasiness, along with an underlying sense of anxiousness & nervousness, is constant. It’s almost like a feeling of being lost, with a dash of numbness & a drop of depression. Where do I go from here? I didn’t question so much before & now I question myself & everything else. Even if I’m not in town, even if I get away from it all, my heart is still broken wherever I go. Gotta give ourselves a break… really! I’m not okay, I guess that’s okay. I know I’m being real, perhaps too real with what I feel & how I share. It’s all a growth process, baby steps, taking one day, one moment at a time. Things can & do change, even if I make a plan ahead of time! If you could say one thing to someone else to help, what would that be? Here’s mine: my 25-cent advice… K I S S, keep it simple sweetheart!

I’m missing Paradise! All the people, friends & loved ones. The familiar places, spaces & faces. We lived in a town surrounded by such glorious & magnificent God given beauty! Now it’s almost unbearable to drive through town. Because I know every time I do, it will be something different than it was on the day before yesterday. How do we replace this heartache with happiness? When do we start feeling that peace that passes all understanding? Our lives will never be the same! I’ve seen the look in your eyes, the sadness in your smile & the pain in your heart. We’re all trying to move on, but we’re feeling the loss that we all have lost. It don’t come easy, nothing ever does & this my friend is no exception. All those thing’s we’d wished to be different. If only I can, but I can’t & that’s a fact. We can’t go back to what was, but we can go on to what is. No it’s not the same & it never will be, but we can make a difference in making it better. We’re starting over again & I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m trying to keep my eyes on the One who’s got the whole world in His hands. When I give it to Him, I no longer have my world on my shoulders, but I have His peace in my heart. I know then, that I will be alright. I can, I will, I’m able, because God is able to work all things for good. I’m holding on to that now… 24 hours a day. 🌞

Photography by: Cindy Lee Hoover “Home”

Really!? Wow, how can a person deal with all the changes that happen in an instant, a moment, a life changing event in time? Boy, one thing for sure, when tragedy strikes you really see who your family & friends really are. Right?! Sometimes the generosity & love from strangers is even more heartfelt. That’s okay, I’ll take it, anytime! When ya feel like your world is falling apart, because it is, the last thing you need is judgment & criticism. If I’ve been misunderstood, talk to me instead of everybody else. If I’ve miscommunicated my intentions, let me show you who I really am. “Ch ch ch ch changes…” as the writer sings, defies his critics while he steps out on his own. “Time may change me, but I can’t trace time”. It’s time to step ahead, out of the comfort zone & defy the odds. Perhaps this change is not just to our homes & town. Maybe the change is letting go, not just of what we’ve lost, but of those who’ve tried to bring us loss, misery & harm. I’m moving on, letting go of the past. I’m making a change to better my world, with those who see the value of working together, instead of working against each other. I believe in a better tomorrow! I’ve seen beauty for ashes when my sorrow turned to joy, after I felt Gods presence. I’m not perfect & never have been… but He is! 🌹

As I say good by to 2018, I am reminded of all the losses we have all incurred. I have made many new friends from those who I have never met. Thank you for your kindness & thoughtfulness to not just me but all of my family! May 2019 be the start of new & fresh beginnings!! Happy New Year! 🎶💔