Okay, so we went thru the biggest, baddest, worst fire in California to flash flooding, mudslides (no not the drink! ) crazy wind gusts & snow! Wow! I’ve heard a lot of people asking, “Whats next, earthquakes?!” God, please no!! Well ya know that saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going!” I’ve seen that lately. People coming together, helping, caring, giving & sharing of themselves & their resources. I am amazed at the human spirit, the selfless love of strangers & the compassion & understanding of those who have literally been through the fire. We all have a story, each one of us. The endurance & perseverance of so many of you amaze me! We ARE stronger than we feel! We CAN be more than conquerors through this battle! We are survivors, yes survivors, not victims! We WILL overcome these storms when we look at what’s ahead of us more than what’s behind us! Time to take the next step, move on to a better tomorrow & get ready to graduate!! 🎓💚
Today is a day I should be celebrating. But my heart is broken, my spirit is heavy & my soul is despaired. Like many of you, I feel so weighed down by the depth of what we have been through & the struggle of moving on has been more than I can sometimes bear. I know I’m putting myself out there, I’m just being real. Sometimes I feel unable to think clearly, I fear my decisions might be inadequate & my emotions are just raw, open & cut deep. I don’t know what lies ahead for any of us, least of all me. But that’s okay. I can take today to contemplate, grieve & mourn for the town that we lost. My birthday Verse? Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary & carry heavy burdens, & I will give you rest.” Happy Birthday to me🎂, my day to rest.
I remember the small things. Those fun times planning big events & birthday celebrations. Sitting around the table at holiday meals with family, loved ones & friends. Baseball games, football teams & wrestling matches. Trophy awards, prom nights, graduation, college education & wedding bell bliss. Laughing, crying, singing the blues & praising the Lord! All those memories we held dear to our hearts, because they were with the ones we love. I hold on to these thoughts now, they are more precious to me everyday. I try not to forget. All those things we made, created & bought expressed who we are & what we were. Yet they seem to grow less & less important when I think about what really matters most. Like the first kiss from my sweetheart & the first time I counted my lil’ boys’ fingers & toes. The bond we share with those we love & the moments we make in life are timeless… ageless & unforgettable. Those emotions we feel, when we envision those special pictures in time, capture our thoughts & steal our hearts. That’s what matter most now. We can still remember yesterday. We are alive today to tell our story & share our lives into tomorrow. I will keep this loss, rather than endure the loss of my loved ones. That’s what I have learned to be thankful for, I can still count those 10 fingers & toes.
It’s a battle. The struggle is real. The stress & depression is overwhelming. Although our home was lost in the 2016 Saddle Fire, the scars are still there. The wound has opened up again, my heart is heavy & the grief has returned. What we have been through the last 2 years has been a journey that I would not have wanted on anyone, especially my family, loved ones, friends & my town. We lost not only our home but both our Moms & several friends had passed on. We had recovered from storage, along with our families giving back to us, items from our life that we had before the fire. They were precious mementos, trophies, pictures & photos, drawings & collections & childhood memories that we passed on to our kids. We lost all in the fire but now we had something more valuable than gold. Then the Camp Fire destroyed my 2 sons homes with all they had. We lost our home & now they lost theirs along with all those memories we shared. It’s hard to believe that we are all now on the same page, the same place & on the same team. We are in the 9th inning, waiting for that base hit that will bring us home…
I cannot believe how the days have been so long yet short, crazy fast but slow to end. So much to do but not enough time or not enough energy to do anything. My mind plays tricks on me, makes me think this is impossible but the warrior inside me says to push though, keep going & never give up! Can’t stop thinking, dreaming, remembering what life was like before all was lost. I can’t forget, no! I have to keep hanging on to those memories cuz that’s all I have! It’s not just things, it’s not just stuff! Whoever said that, “you can’t take it with you,” probably never lost it all anyways!! Don’t listen to those thoughts of defeat, I say to myself. But then someone blurts out, without even thinking, a stupid word that shatters my heart again into a million pieces. I think I can’t go on yet I am always thinking about home before the fire, 8 days a week. That’s what I want to remember, home. 💔
How do you move on when you can’t see the road a head of you? My life was turned upside down, like someone had pulled the rug out from under me and left me to fall down the rabbit hole. Tossing, turning, no sleep, tired, numb, shutting down, turning off, tuning out, running from my life. I didn’t ask for this, this was not by my choice! So what are my choices now? Do I stay in this useless state of mind or do I choose to get up from these feeble knees, wipe the tears from my eyes & put one foot in front of the other? I chose life, not the life I was living but I chose the life that I would choose to remake. It was not easy to clear the smoke from my head. I had to replace the futile, negative, pity party attitude and replace it with healthy choices! Those same things I told my kids all those years, I was now telling myself. I held on to a thread of hope & found the verse that would shape my life with a newness that would sustain me. I had to get rid of stinkin thinkin & change my heart to look to heaven, not this world, a heavenly hope. The verse I hung on too? “He gives beauty for ashes”.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like every breath I took was just enough to sustain me but it never felt like it was enough to fill me. I felt like instead of my home dying, I was. I envisioned the fire going through every part of my home & destroying everything in its path. But it felt like it was me that was in the fire, like it cut through the very depth of my soul. I cried for the loss of my home, the loss of the life I once owned & the loss of everything I had attained & created was gone. It was buried 6 feet under & I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I wrote in my journal, sometimes all day. I read my bible & meditated on Gods word till it penetrated the very depth of my soul. I replaced the destructive fire that consumed my thoughts with a fire from God to refine & redefine my heart. I want my life back! I will not be defeated! I shall prevail! Though the fires destroyed my home, it did not destroy me & my loved ones!! I had to look at what was ahead of me, putting all that was gone behind me. What was 1st things on my list for the day? I had to prepare my mind for the day. I had to guard my heart from even myself. It was easy for me to pick on myself, should of, could of would of. Who am I? What am l? I am created by a God who loves me more than I will ever know. I started to believe in a way like I never did before. He brought me through the Fire that tried to destroy me BUT it only destroyed my home. That’s the reality, you are alive & that is something you have to accept! I no longer live like I am 6 feet under. I now live like I am 6 feet above….
Missing home, memories, simple pleasures, all the silly lil things that brought back that time in your life when the kids were young, when you were young. That vacation, time at the beach, family photos, memoirs, journals, music, songs, your favorite coffee cup, that lil souvenir or special love note, hand painting from your son or daughter. It’s all gone. How do you move on when you have lost everything? Remember all those photos you posted on FB? All the photos in your cell phone gallery? Take your phone to a photo kiosk & start downloading & printing out some of you favorite ones. Most places have that, CVS, Walgreens prob even Walmart. This feels like you have something from your home that you can hold on too, physically you can touch it and look at it & most of all it’s still here for you to see & bring back that memory of home. Go find some collage frames to put these pics in & when you have a place, you will have something from your home. If this is too soon, put them in a small shoebox or find a wooden box from your favorite store that you can store these in till you find a home. You will need this, it’s something tangible that you can hold on too. I know, you just wanna go home, if only you could. Home is not there, home is in your heart. You have the memories, the thoughts and feelings of home but …. it’s gone. You have to accept that, it is all gone. This is now your reality of picking up the pieces & making new memories. You will need to find some closure to losing your home. When you go back & dig through what remains of your home, it is a new kinda heartache, trust me I know, I’ve been there. But right now, your heart aches, your gut is in a knot & your mind is either racing or not able to think, in the zone. Take out a piece of paper from your notebook & write a letter to your home, you’re saying good bye. Be real, all your memories are in your heart but you have to physically say goodbye. Say a prayer & give this up to God to bring you through, He will. Now burn it, that’s right, burn your letter in a fire pit, or BBQ. Your saying good bye so YOU can move on & you ARE! 💔
You will need to have a safe & trusted address, mailbox or PO Box to receive important papers & mail. Most likely all the boxes will be already rented so perhaps a relative or close friend will allow you to use their address. Again, use your support system! Don’t feel bad for asking for help! You didn’t bring this on yourself & again, people want to help!
How’s that shopping going? A lil difficult to decide on what you need? How do you know what you need when you have nothing & you need everything! One day at a time, one moment at a time. Breathe! Remember all those notepads you have around, start using them! Make a list of what you need now. You will want to get everything at once but it will be to difficult to process all that when your brain is foggy, numb & out in la la land. Do a little at a time & plan on it taking much longer than usual. That’s okay.
Are you saving all your receipts? Remember that expandable file? Start using it every time you buy something. Catagorize the files according to your needs, household, food & dining, personal, insurance, mortgage etc
Did you get that cash advance from insurance yet? You can use that to stay afloat with daily needs but it will go quick if your not careful & you may have to use some of that to put down on a rental that will be reimbursed back to you from the insurance. Once your claim is in, your additional living expense, ALE, will be the part of your policy that pays for your rental. Your lease will be paid directly from the insurance to the landlord. Once you have a place to rent, the insurance should line up for you furniture, household items such as kitchen ware, bath & bed items etc. This is part of the ALE. YOU paid for this so don’t hesitate to ask for if it is not offered! Hang in there, YOU got this! You are stronger than you even know! 💪
